I just bought Rogaine for Women. I'm thirty one, talk about scary. I was told by a Walmart hairdresser well over a year ago, as she cut my hair, that my hair was thinning....and I guess I should have heeded her warning. I now am constantly checking to make sure it is laying just right, so as to cover any patches that seem certainly thin. The directions say to consult a doctor....but I don't have health insurance and pretty much only see a doctor when I feel like I'm about to die ( last doctor visit involved a full blown kidney infection, morphine, immense pain, and being told if I had caught this while it was a simple UTI I would not have felt as though I might die or that I could very well suffer brain damage beacuse my temperature was so high for so long that I had to lay shivering half naked on a hospital bed for six hours....or have needed to be hospitalized at all).

 So baldnesss? Stress...probably....age...maybe...but fifteen bucks on top of the vitamins and inner peace I'm trying to achieve to prevent these problems to begin with....hopefully will turn my thinning hair back to the unruly thick locks I once had. Fingers crossed.

Still Lucky

When my friends haven't heard from me in a week....
When I'm not there for the things I should have been....
When they just show up at my door out of the blue because HELLO IT'S BEEN A WEEK! Where have I been and what is going on and why haven't I aswered my phone!.....

I'm left feeling more guilty than I already was for not being there....
I feel loved because they really care.....
I feel even more guilty for not being there.....
I feel like I need to be a better friend.....
I feel grateful that I have the friends I have.....
I hope that I can show them that I care as well.....
And then I think maybe I should warn them I'm the kind of person who will just fall off the map sometimes, the kind of friend who will always love you but may not answer the phone for a month....most times I won't even answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone.....

Lucky

Just the other day I was talking with a friend of mine from way back in the end. We met due to some sort of middle school rebellion. Me in detention and her forced to clean desks during detention. Any way...we were talking and we got onto the subject of children and the fact that my oldest is just now entering that stage where you do pretty harmless things that are pretty idiotic. The things that we all do because we think we know everything, can get away with anything, and at the end of the day will probably be looked back upon with fondness. I mean really how serious is the eyeliner battle going to seem when she's thirty?


I was different, different than most anyway. Or it seemed that way. I was the kid that was always a bit to loud (still am). I was the kid that constantly got a call home from the teacher. I was the kid who would make everyone laugh but had few true close friends. I was the kid who got sent away to a home by age fifteen, who had her own apartment before graduating high school. Baby three days before my 18th birthday....


So in this conversation we joke about how I just may be cursed with kids who put me through what I put my parents through. She says how she never understood why I always said that my parents were strict or mean because she just loved them!! The few times they met she thought my Dad was hilarious and my Mom so sweet. She just didn't see what I had been saying. I think that's because my Dad is funny, and my Mom is sweet. They are cool and fun and great....but that doesn't mean my life was. That doesn't mean that behind all that real life wasn't happening.That doesn't mean they are bad people but I wasn't standing all alone in that mess. I hadn't  found myself thrust into adolescence with the best tools to thrive and been simply unable to utilize them. I wasn't just a troublemaker, a bad seed.

I was frozen by this conversation. Frozen because even now, years and years later, I still couldn't summon the courage to say what my life was really like. I couldn't tell the truth. So I half heartedly agreed with her and managed a chuckle or two. I was left feeling very disappointed in myself, our conversation, and secretly wishing sometimes I didn't have friends I'd known from way back in the end.

Happy St. P-Day!

I made shepherds pie for dinner tonight. The kids were in no way placated by the fact that it is a traditional Irish dinner, no matter how gung-ho on the day they were. My youngest made herself a turkey and ham sandwhich. An hour wasted. But I did take some joy in forming a shamrock (of sorts) in the potatoes. The evening will be over following my long hot shower, cupcakes with green sprinkles, and the conclusion of the movie Splash! starring Tom Hanks.

And the Britney Song Was On

I was about to start writing about how I woke up not feeling well and the clock on my phone said 3:45 while the computer said 4:45 and how confused I was by it all because either way I was up before 5 am trying to futz with electronics. Then I randomly chose a title. I thought some music sounded good. I usually listen to a CD or the radio in the morning anyway. Putting the phrase "new music" into the Youtube search bar gave me several options, inlcluding the Lady Gaga/Beyonce colab---which I'm not really quite sure if I want to see that sucker again. Then  I saw this.

That album has the ability to transform me to  very specific time in my life, in the not so distant past. It brings me back to that apartment. Laying on the couch laughing and listening, debating and loving every second I was living. I can still see the pattern of that couch, feel the texture, where everything was placed...even the random feathers that always were escaping the bedding. There was so much angst and uncertaintly but it was all so very exciting and shiny. I love the fact that any song I hear from it takes me back there again.  That is one of the best albums and I have listened to it so many times when the first radio single came out all I could think was "UGH! That isn't even the best song on the album!". Go buy it. Listen to it 37,000 times and then listen to it again. Play it in the car. Play it full blast in the house while you do some cleaning. Your kids probably already know the words to Sex on Fire anyway.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

I am totally exhausted, as usual...and I even got nap in today. I'm looking at a seven hour day tomorrow at the field with all three kids having games. YAY OPENING DAY!!! Better than sitting home for sure. I just hope the weather holds and there are some cool parents I can chat with. The kids are getting more and more excited as we get the finishing touches done on uniforms and pick up the last few things they need. Their excitement is contagious, and I love it! It makes the six practises a week worth it.

My boyfriend currently lives six hours away so its not like I can have him to snuggle with in the stands. I miss having him around.  I miss the goofball things he does to make me laugh. I miss having my coffee brought to me, after he has shut the alarm off and let me sleep an extra ten minutes. I miss having him in the kitchen stirring this and tasting that until he's gotten in the way enough times I banish him to the living room until dinner is ready. I miss so many things. I miss passionate kisses and multiple orgasms. Mostly I miss his smell and how soft his skin is, how he holds me or I hold him. I miss knowing at the end of the day I'll be with him.

I Heart STS

I was thinking earlier this post should be about Stove Top Stuffing. I don't buy it very often, mostly because I can honestly eat the whole box to myself and even when I'm not trying to be all healthy and stuff I know a box of Stove Top isn't quite what I should be eating (nevermind that half gallon of ice cream I would have for dessert) but every time I do ( or did buy it/and/or eat the whole box) I think "Man this shit is AWESOME!!!".  Well, I grilled some chicken tonight and made some Stove Top and the kids were lucky they even got the generous first helping much less seconds. Stove Top is as easy, or easier, to make than Ramen Noodles. You really dont have to do shit after the water boils but put the crumbs in and shut the burner off. You can over cook Ramen. I've done it. Sorry ex-brother in law who had to eat the nasty over cooked chicken Ramen. HAHAHAHAHA. You sucked anyway....

I can't stop looking

This  creeped me out. Big time.

Anais Nin

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.

I think that's pretty true. And somewhat depressing. I totally believe in real love. I see couples all the time, young and old, who seem to be the picture of happy. They seem to really enjoy each other. But I wonder how many of those couples leave a party, the envy of everyone....and as soon as the car doors close a seething brood envelops them. They sit in the thick silence the entire way home. I've looked up to people in the past only to find that my idea of them, and their perfect presentation of them,  was nothing close to the reality. It really fractured my belief in marriage and truth. I felt like if it can happen to them, well then what hope is there for the rest of us? But I still totally believe in real love.

HOLY TOLEDO!

I just burned the crap out of dinner. (Ok, well only one side of dinner). And the grill wasn't even set on high. All while I am sitting five feet from the grill. The neighbors are all thinking YUM WHATS FOR DINNER??? And I'm all like HELL IF I KNOW!!

Tired of the Granny Bun

I gave the chick that cut and colored my hair a fat ass 25% tip the other day. I wanted something new and fresh and fun (and SASSY!!!! Cuz I'm hecka SASSY!!!!), something that physically depicted where my mind is right now and the direction I'm headed. She totally gave it to me. I am now rocking a long bob with layers and some kick ass red highlights. It feels so fresh and bouncy. Just like me.

My stylist's last name is Ruff. I mentally ran through a few things like McGruff the Crime Dog! RRRRRRRRRRRuff the Wizard of Oz Cowardly Lion. A young to mid twenties Ruff she is about five months pregnant with her first child, a son. She had a comb and scissors tattoo that seemed ever so slightly jail-house but still...she was just petite and feminine enough to pull off the almost Indian Ink and I think I even saw some wings on her back...which is pretty cool. Plus she totally told me some stories about her husband that made me laugh. And her baby bump rubbed on me like twice. I'm probably not going to have anymore kids so its a tad bit exciting when that happens because I'm the type of chick who wistfully watches baby videos on Youtube. Because honestly nothing makes my heart swell like some chubby lil babes belly laughing.

Daily Love Tarot, 1/11/10

The King of Wands card reversed suggests that you should try not to torment yourself over the past or over that which you can not control, especially through denial, which could make for a defensive attitude. Be open to a move or to reassessing relationship goals, for there may be little or nothing left to get out of this situation as it stands now. Watch out for a tendency to drown in nostalgia, for reminiscing over past achievements take precedence over planning for future endeavors. That could intimate that the glory days or passionate adventures are all behind you. Use this energy to plug your relationship or love life back into a power source.


My daughter asked me the other day if I believed in ghosts. I thought for a moment and could only answer that I didn't actually know. I explained that there are some people who believe and have experiences that can't be explained in a neat little scientific package. And then there are those who can't even fathom the faintest possibility of such things (but God and Angels are real).

I believe that anything is possible. I struggle with the ingrained idea that ghosts and phenomenon, astrology and the universe are really just little fairy tales that make life and death and the unknown less scary and more exciting. But then I think .... BUT WAIT. What if? What if it is real, in some way, on some level. So while I take each horoscope, or sign, or whatever with a wee bit of salt I still enjoy the possibility that there are forces at work around us. What if I slowed down long enough and listened hard enough. What if I control my destiny because I choose to and am able to. Never surrendering myself to fate, but owning it. Feels kind of exciting that way.

Almost a year ago I lost my job. I lost my job because I was stupid and caught up and really didn't like it anymore, or appreciate what I had (even though I am secretly glad to not work there anymore). The loss of that job left me depressed, isolated. I had no idea the depth of devastation I would experience. A part of my adult identity shattered. Pile on top of that stunning defeat the stresses of a divorce, children, family pressure, and a turbulent love life.

I'm actually quite disgusted when I look back on both the bullshit I create as well as bullshit I willingly endured. I wasted so much time and energy on believing that just about everything was a waste. When in reality the only waste was the time I didn't use to my benefit.

I really feel like I am currently living a portion of my life that in my sweet golden years I will look back on with both great fondness and trepidation. I've finally moved past the anger. Past the pain. Past the blind love and into the light. Into the happiness that needs no reason. Into the path of enlightenment. Even if that just means less trips to Walmart and more sunrises (after at least five hours of sleep).

MyQueue

Paper Heart

The Bucket List

500 Days of Summer

The Future of Food

Splash


*Paper Heart was pretty sweet and funny. I actually teared up a couple times.

It Always Leads Back To.....

I work with some real bitches. It was only in the last year or so that I even heard of a "hoosier" (other than that basketball movie I never actually watched when I was 15) much less had to deal with these people on a daily basis.

I walk in my place of business just after the sun rises. The sky is just glowing the most beautiful shades of pink, sherbet orange, blue, and purple. By this point I've already (hopefully) consumed two cups of coffee, gotten most of the kids off to the bus stop without any yelling, and listened to at least one song that will get stuck in my head for the duration of the day. I walk in my place of business fresh and happy. With a smile and a strut, ready for the day.

Then I see The Bitches. I may or may not greet them HELLO!, generally depending on how long the alarm clock went off before I ACTUALLY awakened. The Bitches are sour and certainly past one's prime. These Bitches are bulging, droopy, slack, and petite. They truly define the term "Hoosier" for me on a daily basis. Well these Bitches just rub me the wrong way! They irk me! They make me want to say mean things when I just want to smile and la-de-dah my way through the next seven hours!

So The Bitches and I seem to play passive aggressive bullshit games and I hold in the things I want to say. I want to say SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ARE NOT MY BOSS AND IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE THAT DAMN BAD JUST GODDAMN DO IT YOURSELF YOU SHRIVELED UP PRUNE!!!!!! But I don't. I smile and take silent pleasure in the fact that I probably bother them far more than they bother me...although chances are they are not up right now trying to explain this sick little situation to no one in particular.